Are You Setting Boundaries Or Barriers

As a dating and relationship specialist I hear all sorts of reasons as to why someone cannot find love or why someone’s relationship is not working out.  However, the most common reason why many of my clients struggle in love and relationships is because they fail to appreciate the difference between boundaries and barriers.

Boundaries Or Barriers?

Relationship boundaries are limits or rules we set for ourselves and others. While barriers are invisible roadblocks that prevent people from gaining access to our heart.  An intimate relationship requires people to be open and trusting. However, because of rejection, childhood traumas or, abuse from a previous partner, people create barriers instead of healthy boundaries.

Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I will be sharing ways to identify or set healthy boundaries or barriers.  Let’s begin with 3 ways to stop creating barriers.

Barrier #1: Unrealistic Expectations

The most common barrier people create in relationships (whether it’s a new relationship or not) is unrealistic expectations.  For instance, the majority of my single female clients come to me stating the type of relationship they want. They say things like: “I am looking for a Christian man, that is  6’2″, has all of his hair, makes six figures or more, never been married, doesn’t have kids, loves to travel, and takes me out to eat.”  And, while there is nothing wrong with having standards, being too specific about types can create a barrier.

A healthier option:

Instead of focusing on a specific type focus on the chore qualities and characteristics you want in a partner.  And, do not look for a man that will take you out to dinner, makes six figures and so forth.  Rather focus on attracting a man that is kind, financially responsible and enjoys spending quality time with his partner. Stop focusing on the little details.  Instead, focus on the persons ethics and good qualities. Setting unrealistic expectations will not help you find love. It will set you up for disappointment.

Barrier #2: Projecting

The second common barrier is projecting your fears and beliefs onto others, particularly in a relationship.  For instance, some of my male clients come to me with the belief that all  women only want to date rich or wealthy men.   However, what these guys fail to see is that by projecting stereotypes like this onto women they are creating barriers.  When you project your relationship beliefs onto others you attract people that will validate those beliefs.  Also, by projecting you may also blame people for things they are not guilty of.  Storytelling is also something you might do if you project.

A healthier option:

Instead of projecting your beliefs onto dating prospects or people you’re in a relationship, challenge your beliefs.   For instance, if your belief is that all women want men with money only men with money would be in relationships.  Another thing you can do instead of projecting stories or negative beliefs is focus on what you do want, stay positive and communicate your concerns.  People that project believe they are outsmarting the person that might hurt them.  They believe if they get ahead of the rejection they can protect themselves.  However, behaving in this manner creates barriers not boundaries.

Barrier #3: Pushing Them Away

Another common barrier people create is creating problems when there are none.  For instance, some of my clients are in great relationships and yet, come to me expecting me to improve their partner in areas their partners may not need improving.  My female clients may complain that their partner is cheap, because he is fiscally responsible.  While, my male clients may complain that their partners do not dress sexy enough, in spite of having sex  two to three times per week.

A healthier option:

Instead of trying to make your partner perfect so that you can live some unrealistic fantasy except them for who they are. You are responsible for your happiness.  Sure, your partner can bring more happiness and joy into your life.  However, if you are not happy with your partner find a partner with the qualities you seek.  The downside of looking for someone that fits the exact mold you seek is that you will always be looking.  While we are perfect beings we are only perfect because of our flaws and imperfections.

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