Dating Has Changed, But You Haven’t

I can remember my first date, the first boy I ever kissed, and my first real relationship.  I even remember my first breakup and my first broken heart.

Back in the day, dating was a lot different than it is now. The sequence was different.

You’d meet up with friends, go hand out somewhere fun doing something you enjoyed, and someone would catch your eye and pique your interest. You’d talk all night, exchange numbers, and then meet up another day for an actual date.

You’d go on a series of dates, get to know each other, and eventually decide whether dating was going to turn into something more serious.

Dating has changed.

But most people haven’t.

And, that’s okay. 

How Has Dating Changed?

The majority of my clients come to me wanting to find love, but the idea of meeting someone online makes them cringe. 

But in the 21st century, if you’re expecting to commute to and from a full-time job and then meet up with friends two or three times a week, not including your Pilates class or book club meetup, that’s probably not going to happen.

The fact is, people have a lot more to-dos scheduled on their calendars. And while meeting and marrying the love of their life might be on their bucket list, it becomes less and less of a priority among their day-to-day must-dos.

Instead of meeting someone while hanging out with friends, people meet on dating apps, tell each other what they’re not into, get overly anxious waiting for a response, go on what seems like a really great date, get ghosted, and then start the whole process over again. 

It can feel exhausting, disappointing, and grueling. 

But it doesn’t have to be.

Image by inno kurnia from Pixabay

Gen Z Might Be Telling Us Something

Depending on which generation you belong to, you’ve probably noticed how much technology has changed the way people connect. 

But what you might not realize is the nostalgia people still have for more traditional forms of dating, despite the kind of dating being peddled to them, especially among Gen Z.

Gen Z grew up in the digital age with smartphones, tablets, and access to the internet. Yet when it comes to dating, some are walking away from dating apps and looking for more in-person ways to find love.

Some people attribute this to online dating bots and the rise of algorithms.

I attribute it to something similar, but much more human:

Our desire to connect.

Human beings are not lone cells. We are hardwired to connect, and we need those connections to survive.

The Dating Sequence

Technology, the internet, and dating apps can provide a sense of connection, but much of that connection is artificial. 

The kind of connection we need as human beings, the kind that helps us grow, bond, and feel connected to another person, involves more than the dopamine rush we might get from a match, message, or notification.

We need our senses involved.

Sight. Hearing. Touch. Smell.

We need to experience another human being.

It’s more than our imagination. It’s real, and technology cannot fully recreate it. 

That doesn’t mean I think people should ditch dating apps.

In fact, I recommend dating sites and apps such as eHarmony, Match, and Christian dating platforms to some of my clients.

Dating apps are tools. They should not replace dating itself. 

Even if you meet online, you eventually have to date offline if you want to build a real-world relationship.

The sequence might look something like this:

Meet online → Chat online → Talk on the phone → Video call → Meet for coffee or lunch → Begin dating in person

The purpose of this sequence isn’t to create another rigid set of dating rules. It’s to move the connection from the artificial world into the real one.

You are gradually getting to know someone while determining whether the person you met online is someone you actually want to know offline.

Date With Intention, Not Rigity

Life can be challenging, but dating doesn’t have to be, especially when you learn to date strategically and with intention.

Whether you choose to meet someone online or offline, through a friend, matchmaker meetup, or simply while living your life, it’s important to remain flexible, fluid, and mindful of the times we live in.

Often, people have high expectations for dating while being unwilling to bend in how they approach it.

But dating is a precursor to a relationship.

If your desire is to eventually have a healthy, loving relationship, then part of dating successfully is understanding what it takes to create one.

That includes being aware of how dating has changed.

I’m not suggesting that you change your values, lower your standards, or abandon your beliefs.

I’m suggesting that you remain open to new ways of meeting and connecting.

I love organic ways of meeting people, and I help many of my clients learn how to meet dating prospects organically based on where they live and the life they already lead.

But I also show them how to use dating apps and other online tools strategically rather than allowing those tools to become the entire dating experience.

Because perhaps the problem isn’t that dating has changed.

Maybe we’re expecting the way we meet people to remain the same when almost everything else about the way we live has changed.

We work differently. We communicate differently. We socialize differently. Technology is woven into nearly every part of our lives.

Of course the way we meet potential partners has changed too.

But what hasn’t changed sis what happens after we meet.

We still have to talk.

We still have to socialize and spend time together.

We still have to pay attention to how someone makes us feel and how we make them feel. 

We still have to build trust, communicate, love, laugh, touch, compromise, connect and discover whether this person fits into our real-world life.

Dating has changed.

Human connection hasn’t.

And maybe the secret to dating today isn’t choosing between meeting online or meeting organically.

Maybe it’s learning how to use the modern tools available to us without allowing them to replace the very human experience of falling in love.